April, Came She Did ... And Then She Went!

OK, Nikki, this is a blog … why aren’t you writing anything?

As my favourite intro for any tune now is ‘Here We Go’ (Max Richter - On The Nature of  Daylight  (Entropy) | 2018 Version ) … here we go …

Who knows what lies in the subconscious? I had been hyping my trip to Dartmoor and the walking to myself for months. I had packed all my walking gear with plenty of sustenance (mars bars, frusli cereal bars and apple juice) and yet there was no impetus once I was there. It may have been because things camera-wise had gone wrong after a fraught week with laptops, or because my memory of places to visit was too strong to need refreshing. Or maybe, it was subconscious … that the trip was really just to call in on my sister and brother-in-law a couple of hours further on in Cornwall. I am acutely aware of getting old myself now, and my sister is 8 years older. At some time that familial connection will go. On top of that, because my trip home would clash with my art class, I left Devon a day early so I could get back in time for my class. Things are afoot, Nikki, life is on the move … where to next, I wonder?

My eyes. My eyes have a life of their own! The strabismus (squint) I had seems to have been due to ‘lazy eye’ as my vision appears dependent on what I’ve been looking at immediately before. So, if I move immediately from viewing the laptop straight onto trying to drive a car, there will be ‘dodgy but safe’ vision for anything up to half an hour. Then I also dive into the realm of long-sightedness with no useful near-sight, something unknown since I was about eight years old, and that confuses both my brain and face. I’m so used to the physical sensation of glasses on my head that any discomfort makes me reach to take off imaginary glasses. Add to that an increased intolerance of bright light and I thank (dare I say it) Amazon, which has supplied me with a variety of very cheap Chinese glasses from which to choose comfort. Currently, I use 2 dioptre glasses for doing what I do now – close use, and switch to 1 dioptre brown tinted sunglasses for driving and daylight use. I do also have (and very expensive they were) photochromic varifocals from the opticians for times when I don’t know what to wear. Would I have had cataract surgery, had I known the changes to the minutiae of my life? … The jury’s out. The thing I come back to, however, is if cataract surgery has had such effect now, how would I cope in several years’ time?

OK, so that covers your abortive walking on Dartmoor and your collection of spex, Nikki… what else has been happening, if anything???

Well, this is MY blog, so I could bore intensely about sorting out the Tbs of words, imagery, and links that I have stored over multiple external hard drives. This reminds me of when I was about 13 years old that all one day and night and all the following day, I sat in my bedroom using a Stanley Gibbons Catalogue to order my random collection of stamps (all worthless!) That was back in the day … it was better than staring out of the window at what was then greyness beyond, but kids didn’t get depressed in those days … it took 4 years for me to be wrongly diagnosed with neurasthenia and it took another year before an elder brother who had been seeing a shrink privately, got me to get treatment for depression. For a university student with an active brain, the treatment – talking, tablets, and a maintenance jab of antidepressant worked but left my imagination numb. I preferred the agony and ecstasy of a stressed brain, so quit the treatment after a few months. I have since lived with waves of depression my whole life.

Back to the ordinary life of a mainly stay-at-home Tgirl …

I know I have just a few weeks before heading off to Ireland for three weeks and my home is a tip, so I’m turning my efforts to at least tidying some of it …

 

 … and away!!!       

The last expression above is just a memory for ‘Gone Fishing’s’ Ted, the dog that stole the show. For me, there has been a bit of a hiatus while doing stuff – gardening, shopping, and discouraging a local squirrel, but I set today, May 1^st, aside for catching up. Back to the Tbs. I’ve scattered various old pics through this blog that might have also gone onto flickr but didn't while I await an opportunity to dress up and sort out the wardrobe for Ireland.

He knows what he’s taking, but for Nikki, who occasionally goes butch, there are challenges – a potential petticoat parade through a supermarket as well as several days and evenings out, to include two new visitors to Ireland. It’ll be interesting, especially as I’m breaking my time in Dundalk with a week in Co. Mayo, walking and coastal visiting – Inishkea, if I’m lucky.

 

Now it’s May, so I’d better sign off and as I started with some modern classical, I’ll end with a modern classic, Four Strong Winds, played by John Tams and Barry Coope, who I saw three times between 2010 and 2017. Sadly, Barry Coope passed away not so long ago.

  Update 2nd May!!!

 I alluded to lifelong periods of depression above, but nowadays these are are just ripples in my consciousness rather than the stormy seas of my youth. The curious thing after publishing the original is that I suddenly remembered the antidepressent - tryptizol - I was treated with some 58 years ago and which I thought I had forgotten forever.

Following on from that, I also realised that I had done a few other things, so while this blog is open ...

  More books for the Folkestone LBQT bookstore: I found I had lots more books that might be of interest to those in the LGBT+ world, so another package was put together and taken in. It felt good to be contributing, given that I never go to Pride events (which seem to have now come to a stop in most places anyway). There was going to be one in Deal this summer and the local U3A was encouraging members to attend. I was tempted - I'll be at home then, but it's been cancelled for lack of cash. As for the books I took in, I can't remember them all - there were about 15, although they included Edward Ball's 'Peninusla of Lies' and Francis Wheen's 'Who Was Dr Charlotte Bach?' as well as Jayne County's 'Man Enough To Be A Woman'. And, since then,  I've yet another pile being assembled!

The books that haven't gone are few and far between. I had bought a copy of Patrick White's 'The Twyborn Affair' some years ago on abe books as my original had long gone. It was the first and, perhaps only, serious novel dealing with trans-identity that I read (I did indulge in some Ed Wood potboilers). I'm keeping my replacement.

My friend, Sue, mentioned Lisetta Carmi and her book  'Travestiti', a photobook of Tgirls in Genoa during the 60's and 70's. I was able to buy a modern reprint a while ago. I had bought Byron Newman's 'The Ultimate Angels' before, photoreportage of the transsexual world of Paris in the late70's/early 80's. Both are rare, the Carmi edition I have cannot be found through its ISBN, indicating the publisher may no longer exist and it is not for sale anywhere while the original is very expensive. I can only find one copy of the Newman book for sale.

 

 

These books represent an underworld that, although still in existence, has been surpassed by a general acceptance in western society of the trans phenomenon. Life may not be easy now, especially with the 'culture wars' of the last decade, but it is better than it was.

 

Other photobooks which cover the less commercial side of the trans existence include Barry Kay's 'The Other Women' portaying Melbourne trans people in the 70's and 'Men in Frocks' by Kris Kirk and Ed Heath (1984) which covers the wider cultural and performance aspects of gay/trans/drag in the UK. Amongst these are a couple of photobooks covering the work of Nan Goldin, in the US, which move into the darker world of drugs and HIV/Aids.

 

Enough of the books.

 

(Corrections for errors later) 

 

OK, I forgot ... I've covered trans photobooks for Italy, France, UK, Australia and the US is partially covered by Nan Goldin, but I also have 'Casa Susanna' to complete the US. (3 May update).

 

 Quick 4 May Update: listening to John Tams, unaccompanied solo on BBC Radio 3 'In Tune' singing 'Only Remembered' from Warhorse, more to come.

 

May 6 Update: at this rate I should be writing a new blog!  Monday was spent removing all imagery from the microsoft cloud. Why? Well, sometimes I'm not online and I want to do stuff, like delete unwanted pics. If they're in the cloud as well, the laptop refuses me! What amazed me was how much was in the cloud, all unbidden by me: over 90Gb! Since my laptop only runs with about 12Gb free space, that meant that d'loading onto an XHD for later inspection was a long drawn out process. It's now down, as are all my HEIC pix on the phone. They've been moved simply because whenever I want to transfer a photo from phone to laptop, all the photos seem to have to open up. I'm probably missing something there, but now I can control things myself (I think???) 

 

Anyway, for all these doings, I am pleased that I can now access photos going back to the '60's quickly. The photo below is from 1974, of a coke can floating in a public pond, considerably modified in GIMP.

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

FINDING NIKKI and THE LONG OVERDUE SPRING CLEAN

 

I know nothing about the film of a similar name (Nemo). The title just came to me as I realised that soon a new Nikki will be appearing. The eyes are as fixed as they ever will be and, amazingly (as my optometrist said), my severe squint has gone entirely - no double vision! Long may it stay away! So, as soon as I get my new glasses (unnecessary for distance, but after nigh on 70 years, a comfort blanket, and they're varifocal which means I shall be able to read the speedometer in the car while driving!), and as long as my dermatitis also stays away, I’ll get the makeup out, which means throwing out the old and ordering new … something I shall enjoy.

On the Spring Clean theme, Pauline’s apartment now has some family members staying in it for a few months which means I don’t have to think about it, and so I’ve turned towards the accumulations in my house … my own stuff and also things from the apartment that needed more considered appraisal. There has already been one charity shop run with books, dresses and Pauline’s collection of freebie bags/rucksacs from an online retailer she used.

Also, I’ve been looking through old folders of pictures – I rarely deleted photos, just acquired more Tb of memory, but I do now need to sort things out. A few old pics have gone onto flickr while I don't have anything new, and here’s one from earlier today, from 2015, squint and all!

One of the problems I’ve had in down-sizing (I'm not!!! really, I'm not!!!) Spring cleaning is books … Pauline was a linguist and I had an academic background, so I have tons of specialist books (anyone want an Irish language dictionary?!!) that the charity shops really wouldn’t want (they had my Miriam Margoyles and Bob Mortimer autobiographies last week). Amongst those not suitable for the charity shops are several dozen of TG-focused books, including, for starters ...

My Husband Betty, She's Not The Man I Married, Superstar in a Housedress,The Transgender Phenomenon, Conundrum, The Broken Mirror (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), As Nature Made Him (the story of David Reimer and Money's Tabula Rasa approach to gender manipulation), With Respect to Sex (Hjiras in South India), Whipping Girl, All She Wanted (the Brandon/Teena story), Alice in Genderland, For the Love of a Transvestite, Gender an Ethnomethodological (is that a real word?) Approach.

Luckily, while looking around for another shop (for old maps), I found somewhere where I can take them. I don't want money for them, but it'll be good if they can be of use to others.  However, I also have 'Men in Frocks', Christine Jorgensen (a personal autobiography), and 'The Man Who Would be Queen'  but they may go to eBay as asking prices for each vary from ~£25 to ~ £130, i.e. real money!

Now the eyes are healed, I'll also be getting back to the garden soon, although the wet Winter has left it in a messy state with more moss than grass, but I must finish my bookings for trips as well. I found a reduced price booking for Dartmoor in April which will help me get ready for my mid-May to mid-June Ireland trip - I'll be having two weeks as Nikki interspersed by a week's walking in Co. Mayo (Wild Nephin) as long as the midges keep away. I've never suffered from midges in Ireland, but Nephin is a huge expanse of blanket bog ... eek! Then I'm hoping to meet another old friend in Ireland, apart from Pamela, M and Debbie, and I think petticoat dresses will feature, so I don't need to be covered in midge bites!!!

(Oh, and my Christmas blog??? I can't remember several days, so it's in limbo)

 

 

Morning Music

 As some will know, I spend inordinate hours with BBC Radio 3 on, in this room, that room, every room.

 ... Earlier in life I had a great time listening to 'pop' music, my first 45 (as far as I can remember) being Adam Faith's 'What Do You Want' (1959) which replaced my mother's 78 rpm choice of the Vienna Boys Choir and 'The Happy Wanderer', that had not endeared me to the Scouts or any other boys' organisations! I did dive into strange genres, like Hawaiian guitar, but was mainly preoccupied with American blues and folk before the 'English Invasion' and much of that is due to my parents interests in Woody Guthrie and Paul Robeson (and ... The Laughing Policeman!) as well as an older brother's interest in modern American folk (The Weavers et al.)  Then it was onto Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones and on, and on ... until the Stiff Road Tour and The Stranglers at the Roundhouse in '77 on early visits back from Germany.

In Germany we mainly saw Americans as we lived near Frankfurt in the 'US Sector' (Bowie was an exception, but that was his 'Berlin' years) and interest in the 'pop' world disappeared with our return to the UK in the mid-80's when classical and world music became ascendent. There were keys through odd things into other genres - 'Das Boot', which we saw as a serial on German TV, led to Rina Ketty and 'J'Attendrai' and that back to the European popular music of the Edwardian era onwards to WW2, a favourite being Fréhel's 'Où est-il donc?' - a sentimental song about how an immigrant to the US misses the working class areas of Paris with end of the Belle Epoque.

 Anyway, enough of this prattle. The essence is that, although I did accidentally hear Taylor Swift the other month, I have no interest in today's 'pop', there's too much going on elsewhere and R3 constantly surprises me, as it did this morning with Yo-Yo Ma, Stuart Duncan, Edgar Meyer and Chris Thile producing a brilliant mix of classical through to blue grass mastery. It was a great way to start a Monday.

Now it's Friday ... that was the week that was, wherever it went!!! A highlight for this week was Art on Tuesday morning. I am not sleeping well and was awake most of Monday night so I had to drag the enthusiasm out of my tired body. I decided to have a go at an Albanian sunset: It turned out very well but I'm not going to place a scan of it side by side with the photo as the scan came out very contrasty and lost consideable subtlety (that's my excuse anyway).

Sleep continues to be a problem and rather than try and fight it, I stayed up until about 2am watching films every evening (including pt 2 of Ken Burns' prog on the American Buffalo) and when I still couldn't sleep, saw the world news up to 6am. Sleep then came in two hour bites ... not good.

I spent time on Wednesday on preliminary booking for a next break. I had looked at NT properties in Cornwall and in the North, but the prices are now a bit high, having spent the best part of £10K on Pauline's flat, so I've booked a cottage in W Ireland for a week in June at 1/3 the price of Cornwall! It's well-placed for a walk up Croagh Patrick, so if I succeed in doing that, I'll have visited the shrines of both patron and matron saints of Ireland in 2026 ... not bad for a heathen! But that is to come.

I've two more weeks on eye drops - just steroids now and then I should be getting new glasses. It seems crazy, but life is almost on hold until then. Visually, everyday life is different and will only be settled once my optometrist has guided me to the best solutions for my new sight! But, as with the breaks, I'm also planning to do things here. Once March is here, a skip should arrive so that I can start clearing the outbuildings here - a trigger, perhaps, for downsizing. Elsewhere, historical family matters have occupied my emails, daily!

I'm now up to Friday evening and there's not much more to say, so, until next time ... Ciao! 

Following discussion about Benwee Head - here's a google earth image -

  

 

Time

I'm no politician and I know enough about history to know it repeats itself. It is curious that in days around this year's Holocaust Memorial Day we have things happening in the 'Land of the Free' that resonate, however slightly, with 1930's fascism. 

My mother taught me 'This Land Is Your Land' when I was young. It is a considered song, probably written over some time. In today's world, time is as precious as gold, so as rough as it is, here's a ballad for today.