Stay Forever Jung!

I mentioned in Sue’s blog a while ago that I tended to subscribe to Jungian psychology as it had equivalences in ecology (my profession). I wrote I may write something on that in my blog … so here goes! I apologise in advance if some of it seems unwieldy ... but that's the way psychology is!

First things first, ‘though: I have no training in psychology and while counting daisies has been part of my ecological background, the ecology that informs my thinking is behavioural and evolutionary ecology.

I use the following terms solely for this piece of writing:

transvestite, a term used by Freud; and ♀ and ♂, to avoid the use of ‘male and female,’ terms that may carry social baggage.

Dumping Freud

I was raised at a time when Freudian psychology was mainstream (if any stream of psychology could be called that). As it affected me, his work seemed to suggest that anything that was not boringly dull was some sort of psychopathological state and for me, a ‘transvestite’ in his terms, he could provide a lifetime of analysis! I found that if I subscribed to the basis of his thinking, there was some contorted logic to his approach, but as with Blanchard et al. much later, that basis made no sense to me – it was anthropocentric with overtones of moral certitude.

What I’m Not Writing About Here

To explore (even superficially) how the basics of Jungian psychology relate to ecology is an enormous task. Rather than to try and write about everything, I’m going to take topics individually. For the sake of space I've avoided some good examples of behaviours, but am willing to add some in, if it helps interpretation. Depending on whether I get any feedback and, more generally, how much time I have, I’ll explore more. For now, it’s time for the collective unconscious.

THE COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS

So, what is the collective unconscious and how does it relate to us via ecology (in its broadest sense). And how could that help an understanding of transgendering as a behaviour?

Initially, it is wise to demystify the term ‘behaviour.’ Anthropocentric concepts such as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviour are irrelevant here. A quick look at dictionary definitions supports that, in that ‘behaviour’ relates to how an organism responds to something in its environment. The following extract from Journal Psyche expounds on that:

‘The theory of the collective unconscious is one of Jung’s more unique theories; Jung believed, unlike many of his contemporaries, that all the elements of an individual’s nature are present from birth, and that the environment of the person brings them out (rather than the environment creating them). Jung felt that people are born with a “blueprint” already in them that will determine the course of their lives, something which, while controversial at the time, is fairly widely supported to today owing to the amount of evidence there is in the animal kingdom for various species being born with a repertoire of behaviours uniquely adapted to their environments. It has been observed that these behaviours in animals are activated by environmental stimuli in the same manner that Jung felt human behaviours are brought to the fore.’

(Increasingly, ‘behaviour’ is nowadays also being applied to non-animal organisms, e.g., the turning of sunflowers to follow the course of the sun.)

The last sentence in the Journal Psyche piece is significant – an environmental stimulus triggers a behaviour for which the organism has an innate ability to express. With knowledge about how genetics act (both directly and indirectly), the “blueprint” mentioned above could be replaced by “framework within which they can behave.”

In the simplest of models of binary sex (i.e., ♀ and ♂) reproduction is the goal, but with increasing sophistication, especially amongst social animals, sex, its display, and act, may have many different meanings, depending on the species. Whilst animals cannot change clothes, some do portray attributes of the sex they are not (and, of course, some do even change sex). These abilities, whether expressed in life, or not, are innate. Since transgender and transsexual behaviour occurs across races in human species, it is reasonable to assume that the ability to express these phenomena is also innate – part of that “framework” of the collective unconscious.

Jung No More! Introducing Archetypes

Jung suggests that within us we possess archetypes. ‘These are described as a kind of innate unspecific knowledge, derived from the sum total of human history, which prefigures and directs conscious behaviour.’ (Wikipedia).

This is an aspect of Jung’s work that can be troublesome, as he moves into the realm of spirituality and beyond. An example of how Jung thought of archetypes is to imagine a snowflake. The archetype is not the snowflake, and it is not the water that forms the snowflake. The archetype has no form of its own, but it directs how the snowflake and all snowflakes form. Of course, such an analogy has limitations, although in later work Jung considered archetypes to include psycho-physical patterns existing in the universe.

These archetypes can be simply considered as sub-sets of the collective unconscious that act together to create a pattern of behaviour within the framework, providing part of the route to the conscious mind. Of particular interest are the contra-sexual archetypes – the anima in a male, and the animus in a female.

But that’s for later.

 

Psoriasis ... Agh, and more

 I've had psoriasis on my scalp for years now. It's not mattered as I have always worn a wig when presenting as Nikki. Last year I developed problems around my eyes and the GP practice (I saw several docs) treated me for seborrheic dermatitis as I'd been diagnosed with that some years earlier, and blepharitis. For the latest problem, nothing prescribed helped. Twice I had antibiotics as the docs thought there might be infection - but the only effect they had was on my digestive movements ... Using Dr Google, I did find that antihistamines could ease the discomfort (gee, thanks NHS docs for not addressing that). I do have a referral to opthalmology ... I've waited four weeks for just an acknowledgment.

Then a couple of weeks ago, things started happening in more earnest ... the psoriasis is spreading and the likelihood is that it is causing the eye problems.  For anyone who relies on make up, this is not good news. Basically, psoriasis is a bugger to treat|!

Added to that, I had a basal cell carcinoma (BCC) removed from the side of my nose a couple of years ago. It has changed the pseudo-symmetry of my face slightly; I am ok with that, but ... and it was a big but ... I was aware that I might be developing another BCC near the tip of my nose.  They are slow growing and benign, but they can damage bone and other subdermal tissue. At my age, it was a balancing act whether to hasten more surgery or let 'sleeping dogs' lie.

Today was decision day ... I shall be seeking another GP appointment seeking diagnosis of both psoriasis and BCC. The BCC should render a consultation with Dermatology in two weeks ... the thing I have to do is for that referral to include the psoriasis.

Sensibly, I can see that this will curtail my Tgirl appearances for some time to come, which at my age may bring about permanent change for me. 

But, on the bright side, the ECHR is acting against the self-serving liars etc. who seem to run England for their pals. One day, Boris, your day will also come ...

Short Update: I had an emergency appointment with the paramedic practitioner who was more 'engaged' than the docs (I think their workload gets to them). The doc previously was of the opinion that the problem around the eyes is seb derm, so the paramedic thought I should continue with treatment for such, but reduce the steroid cream to just below the eyes. I am following his instructions to the letter in terms of antihistamine, eye drops and steroid cream until Monday when I get to go back to the surgery for an appointment with a new doc, who will also look at the potential BCC. Some minor good news is that the progression of the problem seems halted, although psoriasis elsewhere continues.

Holidays, A Disturbing Find and A Trip to Brighton

 It's been a while since I last posted anything.

Sand Crocus, Dawlish Warren

We finally got away on holiday to Devon and Cornwall, to National Trust cottages booked for the previous Spring and held over because of Covid. The day before leaving I read up about a small flower I'd seen in Galicia and in Crete - a sand crocus - and realised it would be the perfect time to see it at Dawlish, one of two places it grows in in the UK, so our first day was not spent on Dartmoor but on the south coast. Then the heat wave hit and the moor was full of people embracing a beautiful Spring weekend away from the pandemic. We only got onto the moor ourselves later in the week when the weather had changed. We had a couple of walks but my partner tires easily now, being under chemotherapy. A skirt and top came out for one afternoon in the garden, but there wasn't the impetus to dress more. We then went onto Cornwall. I was meant to be walking part of the West Coast Path but, instead, we had a couple of shorter walks, and an afternoon's dressing. Then back home to continue the therapy and the regular round of hospital appointments.

We had arranged to start sorting through my partner's apartment - for years I had not been 'allowed' to visit as she is a hoarder and was embarrassed at the state of her living conditions. So it was that a 8-yd skip was procured and the clearing, with the aid of her sisters, began. Her flat was, and remains, a nightmare. One example: she would assiduously clean milk bottles and the like for recycling and then let them pile up around the furniture; another: she had a subscription to a weekly magazine and there were years of it, piled up, unopened. The skip was filled in one weekend and we expect to need at least one more. About this time my facial dermatitis worsened, so much so that we had to cancel a trip to see a concert that I had been really keen on. We don't know if there is a connection with the state of the apartment.

 

But, there was great news from the oncologist - following a scan, P was showing no signs of cancer and, despite the earlier problems with the bowel which had caused the treatment to start with chemo-, the scan showed that she could have radiotherapy in September.

 

Walmer Castle

Sheffield Park

A French flickr friend, Nadia, planned to visit England and, notwithstanding everything which was making life rather difficult, I agreed to show her places, including a trip to Brighton. On the first afternoon we went to Walmer Castle.

We had hoped to meet another friend, Jane, at Sheffield Park, but she was ill. We did, however, meet Sue in Brighton and had a fine couple of hours with her, wandering the lanes. It was a fine couple of days and the weather was superb. 

Brighton, North Laine Bazaar

UKRAINE ... TWO NAMES ... AND CALAIS, AGAIN

 Not much to write about at this time, but two names to conjour with - one, a person who was pivotal in saving the world from nuclear war in 1962, and one who through sheer charisma may be saving us in 2022.

The first, a Russian  ... Vasily Arkhipov, who arguably prevented the commander of the Soviet submarine, B-59, from firing a nuclear torpedo on October 27, 1962.

The second, a Ukrainian ... we know his name - Volodymyr Zelensky.

As for the UK PM ... everyone's going soft on him at the moment, despite the fact that he is not leading the West's response to Putin, notwithstanding his propaganda, ... the oligarchs are escaping with their billions while Ukrainian refugees are being turned back from Calais, as they need visas and our consular officials are based in Paris or Brussels. As I write, 1.5 million Ukrainians are refugees from Putin's invasion; 50 have been accepted into the UK.

I was brought up with the concept of sanctuary embedded in me. Later in life, I found out that my dentist was one of the Windermere children. 

 

Update from 13/03, six days after writing the above. From the Guardian newspaper:

"Even judged against the Home Office’s recent standards, the mix of incompetence, hard-heartedness and sheer dishonesty in response to the invasion of Ukraine has, for many observers, set a new precedent. Last week started with the admission that 50 UK visas had been granted since Russia invaded Ukraine – or one for every 28,000 people given sanctuary by the EU at the same time.

Home secretary Priti Patel then claimed she was considering a new route for refugees, but it did not materialise. Later, she announced a visa application centre had been established in Calais, but this was also untrue. By Wednesday, the Home Office said it was actually in Lille, but would not reveal where. A day later it became clear why: there wasn’t one.

Those helping Ukrainian arrivals in northern France confirm that the Home Office is more focused on media management than assisting vulnerable refugees."

 

An Apology

 For too long I have been lazy over Blogger and it was only earlier today that I realised that I had set myself up to moderate comments and not checked to see if there were comments waiting. It doesn't help that Blogger doesn't notify me that there are comments waiting. Corrective measures have now been taken!

UKRAINE - THE WORLD BEYOND MAD, DRIVEN BY MADMEN

It seems that this current situation has arisen as a result of the failure of Yanukovych back in 2014 to follow Belarus's example and rein in the populace of the Ukraine and tie the country to Russia, unlike Lukashenko had done with Belarus earlier (although he continues to have to do that).

The precise trigger for the current action is within Putin's head, but I do just wonder whether Lukashenko has egged him on. The petulant rhetoric he has been using seems to refer to perceptions of past grievances, especially dating to WW2 (Слава Україні!) and that strikes me as either someone making up reasons for actions, or perhaps an expression of a deeper and historic mistrust between the two countries (who have existed side by side for 1000 years). For today:

Слава Україні!

As a sideline ... there have been murmurs about Moldova, and in the Balkans, of Serb nationalists. While I sincerely hope the sanctions on Russia really, really hurt the perpetrators of this madness, the worry is that they simply escalate and spread their poisonous inhumanity elsewhere.

A short thought on Abramovich. He's either quite clever (although, me having been a supporter of Chelsea in the past, I doubt that) or there is some greater-than-oligarch humanity going on. BUT, the nightmare lieutenant colonel in the Kremlin never forgives, so I can understand the limits to which Mr A will go to save his own life, or he might simply be quite clever.

As for the lieutenant colonel, Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote a story entitled 'No One Writes To The Colonel Anymore' ... in due time, if he ever survives to get to the International Court, we may be faced with 'No One Speaks To The Lieutenant Anymore'.

I'll probably add to this as the days go by ... it's what blogs are about.

The Reluctant Hairdresser

I was due to visit my hairdresser when the Covid-19 lockdown started in the UK back in March 2020.  For me, uncontrolled head hair growth for another six weeks, or so, was untenable and I sought to buy electric hair clippers. Clearly, I was not alone and the cheaper ones had sold out everywhere and I ended up paying nearly £70. Since then, I have not been back to the hairdresser and the clippers have paid for themselves.

Today, I became the reluctant hairdresser. My partner's hair started falling out, little by little, a week ago, as a result of her chemo. We had discussed wigs and I had explained what she should look for ... lace front etc. So it was that I found one of mine for her to try on for size  ...  and it does suit her ... 

As P's hair continued to relocate to the bath outlet, we decided that I should apply the clippers to her head. (Other hair is her matter). I was more reluctant than she, but today, we took 'before' photos and then about 40 minutes later I took some of her Sinéad cut. It was a few moments of curious intimacy, removing something which is generally so important to a woman's self-image and one she would spend several hundred pounds a year having styled and coloured. The result? Surprisingly, the Sinéad cut worked out well. Of course, this is just an intermediate stage; before long what remains will be lost and then she will being wearing  ... my wig!!!

Dermatitis, Weight Gain, and Nails

At the risk of sounding boring, I am going to moan about dermatitis again, not to elicit any jot of sympathy, but to mark what might be seen as a hiatus in my T-girl journey. Prior to last Summer, I had various skin conditions, but all were both discrete and discreet. Then dermatitis around my eyes broke out. At the beginning, before I realised what was happening, I looked rather Panda-esque, but without the cute fluffiness. Yesterday, was the first time in seven months that I was able to apply foundation 'close' to my eyes and use eyeliner (mascara must continue to wait). In celebration, I also intended to paint my nails.

The problem I had was to find my nail varnish. After some deep contemplation, followed by wrecking my bathroom, I found the varnish and, luckily, it was still fluid. The nails were the best outcome from yesterday's dressing. Over the months I should have replaced things like lip pencil and blusher, but had relied on  tail-ends, as the impetus for spending on make up had not been there while the dermatitis was in full swing. Worse still, over the last few months, my weight has shot up and I find my tummy quite embarrassingly proud. However, vanity must prevail, and pictures were taken. 

My partner has 'spread' things around the living room (necessary as she sorts all the things she needs with the onset of chemo) so, without looking inside, I took myself into a very blustery garden. The photos were not good, but were a record (and I do like the colour of my new sweater, even if it is rather autumnal - it goes with my 'cranes' skirt). Then my partner said she had cleared up the living room, in case I wanted to take photos in there. That was really thoughtful of her ... I should have looked!

The varnish was kept on overnight and it started me thinking about the last time I wore any (given the trouble I had finding it). Going back through my flickr photos I came across this. Uh? the last time I wore nail varnish was last March and then the commentary was to do with not having painted my nails since???

To my mind, wearing nail varnish is one of a girl's most obvious expressions of femininity. You cannot hide from it while typing or doing almost anything, whether dressed, or not. They're there now ... the bold redness flying acros the computer keys. The sight of them is like lightning, a direct and immediate connection to my inner self.

 I know now that Spring 2022 must be a time of activity - I must lose weight and I must keep my T-girl awareness raised despite other problems ... more nail varnish, please!

An Anything But Wild Night in Margate and The Chemo Begins

 I don't really know why I've this sudden urge to detail my almost-daily life ... maybe simply to relate important changes as they occur. There is nothing TG in this post!

Although Margate's only 30 minutes away, Pauline and I went to Margate last night and stayed over in the Premier Inn. She was due at the hospital this morning at 08.45 and the traffic can be dreadful, so we decided to take a relaxed approach. We ate at 'Angela's', a fish restaurant near the Turner Centre. It's the first time I've eaten in a bistro-type restaurant in England in years and I was really pleasantly surprised at the the way fish cookery has taken off. I had hot-smoked prawns with aioli followed by charcoal-grilled pollock on celeriac mash with horseradish sauce. Pauline also had the pollock, which we agreed  was very nice. It wasn't that many years ago ... 30? that the local fish and game shop in Deal first started stocking pollock and from this link, it still isn't that widely known. By chance I bought frozen Alaskan pollock from Waitrose recently and was surprised that I didn't recognise it ... that's 'cos it's a completely different fish ... that's why! We had Litmus, a nice white wine from the Surrey to go with the meal.

Walking back to the Premier Inn, my mind was swirling with JMW Turner and the imagery he produced at Margate:  

Sunset off Margate Pier 

I am constantly amazed and invigorated by Turner's paintings - they always appear new.

It's a curiousity of being 'old' ... we were back in the hotel by 20.30 and barely made it to the 22.00 news before sleep overtook us!

Today ... today is a new day. After breakfast I dropped Pauline at the Viking Day Unit at the Queen Elizabeth Queen Mary Hospital in Margate for her to begin her chemo treatment. Just as England is loosening it grip on the populace with respect to covid, she enters the world of the immuno-suppressed for the next 20 weeks. Luckily, Winter will soon give way to Spring and the risk of infections will decrease.

Actually, there is something TG related  ... I wear wigs and my partner may soon be looking for one, so she's relying on my expertise to guide her through the world of wigs!!!

A DIVERSION: CIABATTA

Today is baking day for a week's worth of my lunchtime rolls.

Ciabatta is a relatively new style of bread, invented in 1982 by Arnaldo Cavallari to counter to the spread of the French baguette into Italy. I have now been making it for a while, adjusting the use of my bread-maker (Panasonic) recipe to my taste.

I live in a very cold house and getting dough to rise in the kitchen varies with the season, so the stable temperature offered in a bread-maker is very welcome.

One of the pleasures of making the ciabatta, despite the use of a bread-maker, is that it is 'slow cooking' ... it cannot be rushed, but it can be drawn out.

The initial step, which applies to most traditional breads, is making the biga, a sloppy mess of starter dough. 

 My bread-maker has a programme for this:

1/2 tsp. fast acting dried yeast + 175 gms of strong white bread flour + 200 ml water are put in the bread pan.

After being mixed in the machine for 15 minutes, the biga is left to develop. I leave mine for a minimum of 12 hours; it has been as long as 36! The longer it is left the more likelihood of wild yeasts growing (as for sourdough). The smell is delicious, if you like the smell of fermenting dough.

One problem that can arise is where mixing has not been perfect (in the pan corners). Here the longer the dough is left, the harder the unmixed bits become. Bearing in mind that the bread-maker is being pushed to its design limits with this recipe, it's a very minor problem, if it occurs, and the unwanted bits can be carefully picked away when the dough is turned out.

Then the rest is added, in order:

1/4 tsp of fast-acting yeast + 325 gms strong white bread flour + 1/2 tsp of sugar + 4tbsp of olive oil + 1 1/2 tsp  salt + 90 ml water. This is then put on a dough programme for 2 hrs 20min.

(Panasonic use 2 tbsp oil. I've experimented with up to 6, but 4 tbsp seems to be the optimum for the dough. I also increase the water from 80 ml to 90 ml).

After the alloted time, the dough in the pan would look remarkably similar to other doughs and fill about 1/2 the pan, but I don't see it, as I leave everything alone for another 3-4 hours. By this time the dough has risen 2-3 times more and is proud of the pan rim. I may cover the dough lightly with cling film if I am not quite ready to proceed further as the surface of the dough will start drying and hardening.

In the meanwhile, the kitchen and oven have been prepared. I have a stone in my oven (a piece of natural limestone floor paving I acquired at work years ago, to use for pizza cooking) but it probably isn't necessary for this;  a flat baking tray should do, and avoid the need for a 'peel'. Additionally, the oven has an old baking tray in the bottom. This is into where 150 ml of water is rapidly poured when the dough is put into the oven, to create steam. The oven is on 250 C and my dough board (an old IKEA deep pine shelf) is dusted with plenty of flour, with more to spare for my hands. There are implements to hand as well. A stainless steel dough cutter (expensive, but perfect for the job), a metal 'peel' (to slide the rolls on and off the stone in the oven - a thicker wooden pizza peel may not move the rolls cleanly) and a razor blade for slashing. I also have commercial width baking parchment to cover the peel.

Additions that I use are: poppy seeds and sesame seeds for topping, or simply coarse semolina flour. Egg wash is useful, if I'm using seeds, or milk.

 

The pan is turned over very gently so the dough is just touching the board and allowed to slip out onto the board. There is no kneading, simply the gentlest of shaping with well-floured hands.  

 

 

 

 

 

 I make 8 rolls with the 500 gm flour mix. First the dough if cut in two and one half covered with a kitchen towel to prevent drying out. The other half is then cut into four roughly even pieces, floured and placed gently on the papered peel. The essence is to protect the air (actually more CO2) pockets. 

I may then slash the tops, wash and add seeds, or simply sprinkle semolina flour over them. My rolls are 'artisan' in the extreme ... I like having different shapes!

The oven door is opened and the dough balls, on the parchment, slid onto stone. Water is quickly poured into the tray and the door shut. Leaving the temperature setting as it is (the actual oven temperature will have dropped, but the stone should retain the heat) the oven timer is set for 8 minutes, after which the temperature is reduced to 220 C for another 5 minutes. Then the rolls are ready and, using the peel, they are taken out on the parchment to be cooled on a rack. While the oven is re-heating the next batch of rolls are prepared.

 

Above are today's finished rolls - sesame seeded and poppy seeded. The rolls are dark brown and shiny, as they have been egg washed, but the crust remains soft. With a more 'purist' ciabatta finish, using just semolina flour, they would appear light brown and 'dusty'.

Small rolls will dry out very quickly, so I freeze mine immediately. Once the cooked rolls are still just warm they are wrapped individually in cling film and bagged together in a freezer bag (which can then be re-used time and again) and frozen. When needed, I defrost each roll in a microwave and they taste oven-fresh.

CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR 2021/2022

 Christmas 2021 and the New Year

In my last post I wrote that my partner, Pauline, was home from hospital after an unexpected complication following her hysterectomy. Once home, she just took things easy and we prepared for a simple Christmas - no visiting and no visitors. I saw a frock in the House of Fraser sale and treated myself to it for my birthday. When I said as such to P, her reply was that she would buy it as her present to me. I think that was the first ever thing she has bought for Nikki!

Days came and went, with expensive orders being put in for some good food and wine. I continued my weekly video chats with Pamela and Gia, although Gia went off line at Christmas (a neighbour, apparently disgruntled at the quality of the local fibre optic IP, cut a section out of the cable when they moved away!) Christmas was fine, but two days later P was in acute abdominal pain again. This time we went to QEQM A+E and she was admitted for a couple of days. The problem was a 'kink' in the bowel which was left to see if it would settle down. It did, fortunately. There was talk of her 'overdoing it' at Christmas ... too much food on a weakened system. P was discharged on NYE. In the hospital she had been on 'free fluids' and a doctor mentioned she should try an keep to a low fibre diet for a couple of weeks. As previously, there was no post-discharge advice in writing, so google came to the rescue and I could check what the NHS considered 'good' and 'bad' in terms of low fibre. Now (24/01) she is being eased back into what we normally have, although mushrooms (especially shiitake) are being avoided and other fibrous foods are cut up very small. It's been a challenge for me, especially as we had to try and find ways of using the excess Christmas food up, but I've become a dab hand at creating different  sauces which she can have strained over fish and meat. Pasta has become popular, as well, which reduces the kitchen workload.

As for me ... there is a concatenation of stress. P (we had started living together way back in 1977) moved in fulltime at the beginning of the 2020 lockdown. My house, which I've owned since about 1997, is quite small and very old, and I had been living alone in it since 2003, despite is having virtually no modern conveniences. Why? Partly because P is a hoarder. Even when we were not 'together' (2003-2019) she has had a room in the house full of 'things' as well as half the garage space. Since 2019 I have been trying to encourage her to clear the space as the house has major structural problems and I want to put it into auction. The apartment she was living in (and we were until 2003) was getting filled with 'things' (one of the causes for the separation). Since then it has been completely 'filled' and she has been desperate that I do not see it. In 2021, the heating there broke down and her embarrassment has been such that she could not bring herself to get a heating engineer in. It remains like that, almost a year later. In the meanwhile my house continues its slow decline (literally) and that causes me great angst. I think that this year I shall have to spend several thousand pounds on roof work (and that is just the tip of the iceberg). Sometimes I feel completely trapped. Last Summer I was becoming quite desperate. There were seemingly endless unfulfilled promises - the psychology of hoarding is truly baffling. Then cancer struck. My frustrations sank below the waves as we started the journey through palliative care. All the talk has been of this being a 'wake up call', but progress is so slow that my mental health issues are of concern. I have SAD most years and when young went through years of clinical depression. Now, the depressive periods come as sudden crevasses which I have to negotiate (mostly successfully), but can, on occasion, lead to spontaneous irrational outbursts. They are over in minutes and life returns to an even keel. Yet to come, however, are several months of chemotherapy for P, when I can only expect her to be in a more frail state than she is now. Life will not be easy.

But enough of that ... I've perfected home-baked ciabatta rolls ... and have started messing them about by egg-washing them, cutting them, and adding poppy or sesame seeds. At the moment, only I have them and each bake covers a week's lunches.

    More: not only did P get me a birthday frock, but my good friend Pamela did as well:

On an even brighter note, we do have some things to look forward to in 2022. A trip to Dartmoor and the N Cornish coast had to be deferred last year because of covid, but it looks as if our new dates will not clash with P's chemo days ... roll on March! Then, later in the year we're heading back to Hadrian's Wall as there are year-long festivities associated with it being the 1900th year since the wall was built. We are hoping to tie that in with a ferry to Belfast and a visit with Pamela and Mary.

Enough for now - Happy New Year to anyone who happens to read this!

Memories and Now

I last wrote in July. Soon after on one of our walks I noticed problems around my eyes and those developed into dermatitis. The effects of that really put paid to quite a lot. Streaming eyes irritate the dermatitis, which meant that an activity such as strenuous walking and sweating was not really possible. Likewise, creams for the eyelids would, even diluted, work their way to the tear ducts causing eye watering and irritation. The end result was that although I dress as I want (I seem to have very few 'mens' clothes') make up etc. was restricted to one day a week when I would be having video calls with two friends.

In October my partner was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and an operation scheduled for when we returned from a break in Scotland. She had, in the meantime, bought a replacement car. It is an automatic with cameras everywhere which would suit her as her Parkinson's mobility grew less. We took it to Scotland where we had a good break and stayed in some interesting places. It was on that trip that the connection between my dermatitis and another problem - allergic rhinitis - became evident. The rhinitis is caused by something at my house (dust, or mould from the thatched roof). With the rhinitis in abeyance, the dermatitis also receded. This was another indicator that it really is time to move.

I only went out dressed once in Scotland. There would have been lots of opportunities had we not wanted to visit places where identification was necessary to save entrance fees. Those missed opportunities were not, however, a problem, and the holiday was relaxing for us both.

The dermatitis around my eyes continued to be bad and I only made my face up on Sundays when I spoke to Pamela and Gia.

Back home we prepared for my partner's operation, which was keyhole surgery: in one afternoon, out the next. Unfortunately, three days after the operation, my partner started to develop symptoms reminiscent of those I had witnessed with Barbara. These were the early signs of a blocked bowel. Yesterday, my partner was re-admitted to hospital. Today she is undergoing a laparotomy (25th November)

UPDATE 05 Dec

Now, over a week later, I'm catching up a little. The major concern for the surgical team was my partner's breathing and she was taken straight to ICU afterwards, where she remained for four days. During this time I found it difficult to positively address being TG. It is curious ... and maybe that's reflective of my personality ... when a loved one needs what they need of me, that'll do, as long as the essence of my being TG is there.

 That came through today when my partner was pleased that tomorrow I'll spend time trying on new frocks and speaking to Pamela and Gia.  It'll be the first time I'll have dressed since mid-November.

It begs a question ... what is the essence of being TG for me? 

FURTHER UPDATE 10 Dec

The stress of my partner's health got to me somewhat earlier this week as this house is really not somewhere to convalesce in mid-Winter, so a lot of time recently has been looking around for other places - convalescent homes/step-down facilities/even Airbnb. And then ... yesterday mid-morning I find out that my partner is being discharged late the same day. There is no time to do anything else but make this place as comfortable as possible. I arranged to pick her up at 4pm, but there was the inevitable delay due to the pharmacy ... 3 hours!The main thing today is that she is out of hospital, comfortable and reasonably warm considering there is a gale blowing! For me, I suddenly find relaxation ... no more hospital visiting, no more lateral flow tests (for now) and we get back to doing what we do on the run up to Christmas. I think I might even treat myself to a Christmas frock!

The New World

Going back in Time ...

 On the third anniversary of Barbara's death I thought it time to end this blog and wrote nothing more until today (10/01/2021). Barbara's life, however, continues through my memories and she remains present on my computer and the internet, so ending this blog is premature.

The world has been, and continues to be, dominated by Covid-19. That is likely to continue for the most part of this year, if not longer. The economic fallout for individuals, companies and countries will follow.

Update June 2021 -

 I left the start of this as draft, as my thoughts dried up, but next week will be the fourth anniversary of Barbara's death and it seems a bit slack leaving it.

 A few thoughts on Covid-19. Back in the dark ages I studied virology and over the years stuff such as evolutionary ecology so I had some fairly strong opinions on what should be done at the outset and what wasn't done and why we are where we are now. There is no point recounting my views on political decision-making, but what I found very positive was the response of researchers and pharmaceutical companies in terms of vaccine production - it showed what can be done and illustrated how far genomics has come. Of course, the cost in terms of human life has been tragic (especially in the Americas where Trumpian idiocy continues in the hands of Bolsonaro).

Will the pandemic change the way we are? I am beginning to doubt that, at least for the short term. Just as Brexiteers 'wanted their country back', so some seem to want, even to demand, a return to the norms of yesterday. There is here a parallel with the early days of forecasting climate change. It's taken over 30 years for the precariousness of that aspect of human existence to be realised. If, as seems likely, Covid-19 is due to ever-growing human encroachment and interaction with hitherto relatively isolated species combined with rapid global travel, triggering a zoonotic pandemic, then climate change and species geographic niche displacement is likely to exacerbate the potential for further zoonoses. We may never escape de novo diseases. One glimmer of change on the horizon is that with the internet, home working will become more regular. That sounds a rather minor matter, but it will change family dynamics. It will also put paid (I hope) to housing developments that have no space. When I worked in planning I tried to ensure that all sizeable housing developments had good access to public space.

Will this girl ever finish what she started??? It's now 10/08 and this draft has run from 10/01!

The chickens are coming home to roast (no pun intended ...) with climate change. I recall early discussions on climate change following directly on from the acid rain scandal of deniability. That would have been the mid-80's and it was in the early 90's I remember discussing with my ex-professor how, despite the real problems it causes, we need nuclear power to buy us time. Now we're getting a taste of what nature can do, perhaps he was right. Although the IPCC think we can avoid the worst, the deniability that pervades the thinking of people who make money from carbon fuels is on a par with that of those denying the impacts of pesticides on biodiversity. I read that Australian government intends to carry on producing coal and looks to a technical fix to mitigate climate change. That's the nub of the problem. While someone can make money from destroying someone else's world, they will carry on.

I suppose I ought to update my transgender life story. My partner remains at my cottage. We manage reasonably well considering the place is almost uninhabitable with no hot running water and more. She is now positively accepting my lifestyle and if we could get out more, we would. We don't just have the pandemic to deal with, but the effects of her early-stage Parkinson's disease on daily life. I have been suggesting we re-organise living arrangements, such as buying a flat in a town for when we are both less able. Surprisingly, one of her concerns was how that would affect my dressing!

We did get out once this year as I wanted to be pictured in a bluebell wood. Apart from that it has been difficult finding the time as I've occupied myself on adult ed courses and we've taken up weekly walks on the North Downs Way, all that Mens sana in corpore sano ... necessary in coping with the tedium of the pandemic. Now it's the school holidays and the UK is full of staycationers, which doesn't suit me, so I think my next appearance in the wider world will be in Scotland in October.

I'll 'publish and be damned' now, otherwise, several more months may pass by.