2017 Christmas Season Part 2 and into 2018

Boxing Day passed comfortably. I decided to dress quite demurely, which was fine - a Laura Ashley silk dress is something I could wear everyday!

My office was closed until the 2nd January, but I had a large report to read and comment on, so time was spent on that and looking around the sales for possible wigs and an update for my camera. The camera was easy to find and order, but looking at new wigs is a nightmare. I decided in the end that I need to get one fitted and that will mean a fair bit of travelling - something for the new year ... perhaps a trip to London, or Brighton.

On the 29th I was due to pick up the new camera (more pixies) at Ashford and do a major food shop. P was having blood tests in the morning at the local GP surgery and I suggested we could both go shopping which she was happy to do. Arriving at Ashford I realised we would be passing the cemetery on the way back past Wingham (for my favourite farm shop). I said I would like to stop at B's grave. That was fine. Then Kate Wolf’s 'Shadow of a Life' started playing as we drove into the cemetery – I had to switch it off. I laid flowers, had a few private moments, and then we left. Kate’s song started up again and I explained its resonance. I then put it into more context by referring to it coming on while driving home after B's funeral and reminded P that years ago when we drove up to London to my mother's funeral, the Lark Ascending came on and that's always had that association since then.

All was set for NYE. P would be coming over in the afternoon for a meal; I would be dressed. I had even selected what I would wear and then my eyes and nose started streaming as a cold came out. My make up wouldn't have stood a chance, so I left off dressing. P arrived and said she expected to see me ‘in my finery’ but understood why that was not happening. Anyway we had a very pleasant game stew.  I was in bed by 10.30 and saw the worldwide NY celebrations on the TV in the middle of the night. Monday was spent in and out of bed, struggling to get ready for work on Tuesday, 2nd Jan.

On Thursday 4th, I picked P up and we went to her neurological appointment. The consultant diagnosed Parkinson’s and said it had quite a rapid onset. P will now be transferred to the Parkinson’s team and the first visit will be by the specialist nurse. P will also have MRI and DAT scans. I was concerned that the medical 'news' would take a toll of P, but she took it in her stride. Now the hiatus of waiting for the consultation was over, I booked the Ireland ferry. We decided to have a second attempt at a 'dressed' NYE on the coming Sunday. That all went well. She does seem genuinely to accept my dressing and she also knows that my support for her would be there even if she could not tolerate it.

 

2017 Christmas Season part 1- The Winter Solstice and a note on Leonard

My birthday, which falls on the Winter Solstice,  has always been a tricky time for me, much of it attributable to my gender issues. There is no simple, or rational explanation for this, I think it is embedded in me from my distant past.

Once an adult, I started rejecting my birthday when nothing was ever there for the person I now call Nikki. It was just a day to be weathered, both for me and Pauline. For me, I think that went in hand-in-hand with the idea that ‘things would get better' after the day was done. For P, it was always a disappointment as she is very much someone who focuses on special occasions, but she could never bring herself to give anything that would acknowledge the feminine in me. In a way, that was understandable all those years ago, it was a time when transvestism was still considered a perversion.

Of course, when I was with Barbara, it was a completely different story. Curiously, early on in our relationship B stated that she hated her birthday. For her, horrific childhood abuse had taken its toll and there was also an abiding adult pain from having had a still-born son close to her birthday, but I think she grew to enjoy the day a little more, especially when a big bottle of Calvin Klein’s Eternity Eau de Parfum would be among the presents.

In the previous post I mentioned that P had been very supportive during B’s last months and that caring continued as the Solstice approached. She was concerned that I would be on my own for the day despite knowing that I would be dressing for the day. We chatted as I drove us to our ‘end of the language course’ Greek meal and I said that she was more than welcome to come over on the day and I would cook a meal, but I would be dressed. To give a little context, P’s previous experience of me dressed was simply of a photo of me taken at Barbara’s back in 2002. So it was to my surprise that she agreed.

Now, I have a fondness for frocks (!) and had a birthday treat waiting to be worn, but I wanted P to see me in everyday things. So it was that I kept my make up very light on the day - foundation, a little eyeliner, mascara, blusher and lipstick - and took some photos in my new dress. (As an aside, I’m quite mean to myself, the dress cost all of £13.50 and this year, my Xmas pressie dress to me is all of £15.75). I then changed into one of my favourite casual tops, long black skirt and flatties. I did get into a spin about ‘which wig should I wear’ and settled for my usual. The final act was to just remove my lipstick. P arrived and apart from a little chat about lipstick and that she hoped I hadn’t expected her to be wearing a dress, that was it. She appeared genuinely relaxed. We spent a good many hours together, she wrapping her presents and me cooking a meal. The only disappointment for me was that I fell asleep and snored!

It looks like Boxing Day will be a repeat, except that I’ll be wearing one of my retro dresses that day. Possibly, this one:

It seems the ice has been broken, but I’m not counting my chickens, to mix metaphors.

Leonard Cohen’s music has accompanied me throughout my adult life, even with layoffs of several years, I have always returned to his imagery (Joan of Arc is possibly my favourite song, although Dance Me to the End of Love runs it a close second – such joyful tunes, not!) I bought his last album early in the year, but with Barbara’s poor health, I needed happier material. The CD sat by the player for months and then just a week ago I played it, and played it again and again. Barbara’s death was, sadly, not a good one, but with ‘You Want it Darker’ Leonard has said ‘it can be OK’, which I find redeeming, cathartic, and uplifting.

Five Months On

It is five months since my dearest friend and a supporter of  TGism passed on. Those months are described in a more personal blog. This blog is a new chapter.

A little background: most of my life was spent in one relationship. I have known Pauline since schooldays. She was aware of my TGism and tried to accept it, but was unable; she had her own problems associated with hoarding, which I tried to accept, but likewise was unable. After I started going to Barbara's dressing service, I could not deny my TGism and, simultaneously, P's problems started becoming unmanageable . We were very fortunate in having two properties and 'simply' separated, but remained in close contact and supported each other at family events. My fondness for Barbara developed as she helped Nikki flourish. However, as that was happening, Barbara started having serious health issues, resulting in numerous laparotomies and an ileostomy. Her husband had no interest in her and I took on a caring and support role for her and our love for each other grew. Her husband did not care, as long as he did not have to look after her. Finally, her husband's attitude wore her down so much that she left him and with the great help of Age UK she finally settled in sheltered accommodation. For the first time since she was 16 she was living her own life. She loved her little flat, but it also became a prison as her health deteriorated still further, both physically and mentally. Everyone who met her was amazed at her tenacious love of life, but finally on 28 June 2017 she passed away. All the time we were together, P was aware of our closeness and she became increasingly supportive of me as Barbara's health declined. Although they never met, Barbara was also concerned about P's well-being. In Spring 2017, P developed a tremor in her left hand. The tremor became increasingly pronounced and P started exhibiting the symptoms of Parkinson's disease.

Following Barbara's death I took up water colour painting and threw myself back into the garden. I also took up dressing in earnest, something that had started to slip as Barbara's needs had become ever more frequent.These were all positive and P also suggested that I take up Greek evening class again, and if I were to do so she could probably join me for free (as someone who teaches Adult Ed, herself). That seemed to be another good diversion for me, so I agreed. By the time of the first class, P's condition was quite obvious and she was starting to have difficulty walking. A referral to a consultant neurologist was arranged and after some visits to her GP, he has prescribed Sinemet. We wait now until the January consultation.

Clearly, if P has the disease, which seems likely (her mother suffered from it), it will be life-changing for her and, by default, for me. I will not countenance the idea of not being there to support her. In that light, I took a first step yesterday. In May I visit Ireland. I have a cottage booked which can sleep up to four. Afterwards I plan to visit my friend Pamela. It is entirely feasible for me to take P by car over to Ireland and then, en route to Pamela's, to take her to Knock airport where she can get a flight back to Gatwick and home. We discussed it yesterday and were agreed that she must take whatever opportunity arises for her to enjoy the time she has. Que sera sera.

Anyway, that is an introduction, to set the scene for my new life as a stay-at-home Tgirl (for now, anyway).